Counter Surfing the Dirty Water Tide

Kate's Spray Cleaner

You know, the stuff you use like Formula 409 because EVERY OTHER PERSON IN YOUR HOUSE IS A SLOB AND I AM LOOKING AT YOU, DOG not to mention the other twofooter in the house sloshes coffee everywhere but I'm having a be nice to my husband week

Spray bottle
half vinegar
half water
capful of CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP shampoo--the kind you look at in the dollar store and wonder if it's going to eat through the bottle right there
some lemon or orange essential oil, if you must.

Shake up in spray bottle, and clean up the coffee on the counter.

HE-friendly homemade laundry detergent

The bad news: you don't get to make Flubber.

The good news: this actually takes a step out of my very easy regular laundry detergent, and it takes less storage space.

Equipment -- a largish container -- some plastic something or other. From painful experience, I would not use a recycled plastic coffee container unless you are a) totally sure the coffee smell is gone, or b) don't mind smelling like a soap latte.

A grater, like you would use for cheese. 


Ingredients: 1 bar of soap (nothing deodorant or moisturizing; I like Dr. Bronner's or Ivory)
1 cup of Borax
1 cup of washing soda (also labeled as super washing soda or laundry soda)

Borax and washing soda are usually found in Wal Marts or large grocery stores, but may be on bottom shelves or squirreled away. You'll only use a fraction of each box for this recipe.

Grate your soap. Add the other stuff. Stir. Use one tablespoonful per large load. Spend your savings on hookers and blow.

The Vicious Spin Cycle

Laundry is actually how we (Kate and I) started this blog. I went looking for recipes for homemade laundry detergent for HE washers. I looked. I looked.

Then I poured a glass of wine and messaged Kate thusly: I am sick of wading through all these super-fundy sites to get my fucking laundry detergent recipe.

I don't have anything against Christians -- I just don't feel like plowing through sites that are SUPER SUPER BLESSED and HEY LOOK AT OUR QUIVERFUL OF CHILDREN. And somehow, a lot of thrifty sites are also very overtly Christian.

However, heathens love a bargain too! So after Kate and I bitched over chat for a bit, we conceived Misfit Thrift -- thrifty deals for anyone, with scarcely a deity invoked.

So, laundry. Where was I? Back in my old house, I had a crappy little non-HE washer, and I learned to make detergent for it. Before you click away, convinced I am a crazy person who is thrifty like "spin your dryer lint into yarn," or start my recipes with, "First, grind your wheat" -- I am a very lazy thrifty person. I don't coupon because that looks like another job.

But laundry detergent is so fucking easy, and crazy cheap. I'll start with the non-HE recipe. HE-friendly is over here. Assuming you have a big pot and a grater, your major equipment investment will be a 5 gallon bucket with a lid. I think mine was about $5 at Lowes. (Aside: You know that thing bloggers do, where they verify exact prices, and break down the cost of ingredients/usage? I am not only lazy, but I suck at math.)

Assemble ingredients:
a regular-sized bar of soap like Dr. Bronner's or Ivory -- you don't want anything deodorant or moisturizing
1 cup Borax
1 cup washing soda (not baking soda -- this is labeled as washing/super washing/laundry soda)
6 cups water (you'll add more water later, but we'll get to that)
totally optional drops of an essential oil that you know doesn't irritate your housemates or pets

Note: Borax and washing soda are found in many grocery stores and WalMart; often they are found on bottom shelves or kind of tucked away. One box of each will make several batches of detergent.

Grate your soap. Once done, you've finished the most labor intensive part.

Heat your 6 cups of water, and add the soap. Stir until it melts. Note: don't boil the water, especially after you add the soap, unless you feel like doing a live re-enactment of an I Love Lucy Episode.

Add the Borax and washing soda. Stir to dissolve. Add your optional essential oil. Add seven more quarts of very hot tap water (or water you've heated on the stove separately -- but why would you do that?) Stir everything well, then pour into your bucket. The mixture will gell as it cools, and that's fun because it's like you're making Flubber.

Use 1/2 a cup per large load of laundry. 

Now, you know how I don't do math? Even a non-person like myself can see that I spent less than ten dollars for 5 gallons of detergent, which I will use one 1/2 cup at a time, plus I have plenty left of the Borax and washing soda. Divide the quotient with curly math, find the cube root of rutabaga, and that's a bargain. Plus your detergent can simply smell like clean stuff, or lavender, or whatever you like -- not gross laboratory "lavender fields."

So this is what I am about -- minimal effort (grate soap, melt some shit) and maximum result. Also, I curse a lot. Maybe Kate can wash out my mouth with her homemade soap.